The VALiens

“The Smylie Family”, self-titled album by The Smylie Family is a lurid and desplicable album, released don’t know why and when, but to be totally blunt with you, who really cares.

This scummy record has a sinister and gutless story to tell. A story of sin, lust and dishonor. Behind that image of a perfect happy family there is a dark truth, as a matter of fact The Smylie Family, at the time of the recording of the album was heavily involved in Satanism, large group sex gang bangs, cannibalism and just general murder and mayhem. They used to live in a nice house on the hill (in an area where loads of people strangely disappeared). His only son (the dude with a curly and nice haircut) was forced to join the band against his will, apparently he was more the kind of guy into bowling and fishing but to satisfy his father’s wicked dream he eventually joined the band with his profane and sinful parents.

Completely unable to play any kind of instruments, the family was forced to sing, but even this wasn’t an easy task. After weary and painful days in the studio, the record was still awful and mean. The music was brilliant, but only because they paid professional musicians to do the job, for the voices it was a totally different story, they were so out of tune that it seemed made on purpose. Then Julian Chackapoor (the infamous and lurid producer of this buggered and blasphemous record) came with a great idea. The Family must sing all together. He thought that in this way the notes out of tunes (pretty much all of ‘em) won’t be noticed too much.

After weeks of calvary the Smylie Family was finally able to realize their jeering dream. The album came out but never got really noticed by anybody. “It is just another record” said a component of the Family in a recent interview, but believe me, if you have the chance to put your hands on this album you will realize that this is not (and won’t ever be) just another record.

So long,

William C. Freshwater